Friday, December 24, 2010

If The Furnace Is Hot Enough, Anything Will Burn

Recently, there has been some chatter concerning the use of ice cream in the Cheese Challenge. While I would certainly choose an alternate plan of attack, I can see how some might view the dessert as their road to glory. This understanding stems partially from an aged legend that haunts a particular town in central Connecticut. It chronicles the trials of one man and his attempt at the behemothian ice cream mile. The challenge: One pint of ice cream, which must not be below certain caloric requirements (although what these certain requirements were have long since been forgotten), followed by one lap, to be repeated four times. So the story goes, a small group of skeptical onlookers settled in beside the track as the man was about to began his weighty undertaking. Alongside him, a relay team of four also participated so as to give the illusion of a race, although everyone, most of all the man, knew exactly what the competition really was. A test of will; a battle of attrition. Most expected the man to admit defeat shortly after starting the third ice cream, however as he plowed through the fourth pint the doubts of those watching turned to awe. That day, nothing would deter the man from his goal. He went on to shame the relay team, and then quietly depart with the same meditative serenity that he arrived with.

Being the possessor of a childish heart, I always enjoyed hearing the triumphant tale, yet as a man of science I couldn’t help but yearn for raw data from the actual event. This eve, whilst I perused ancient and long abandoned internet forums in a fit of nostalgia, I was shocked to find that which I had wished for not long ago. A full account of the deed, complete with all the critical figures. I show it to you now:

Author: SULLY
Date: 05-22-03 12:37

all varieties from the great Ben and Jerry
PINT 1- Oatmeal Cookie Chunk
ice cream time- 2:41.74
running time- 1:13.69
Calories- 1120
Saturated Fat-40g
PINT 2- Coffee Heath Bar Crunch
ice cream time- 4:30.44
running time- 1:30.41
Saturated Fat-44g
PINT 3- Chubby Hubby
ice cream time- 8:28.74
running time- 1:34.29
Saturated Fat-48g
PINT 4- Brownie Batter
ice cream time- 5:41.41
running time- 1:19.03
Saturated Fat-40g
Total time- 26:59.75
Running Time~ 5:37
Ice Cream Time~ 21:22
Total Calories- 4840
Total Fat- 292g
Saturated Fat- 172g

approximate increase in blood pressure- 50
approximate decrease in expected life span- 11 years


Take note of the time, 26:59 (indeed a curious coincidence!), and the calories, 4840. Thusly, I claim that ice cream is a feasible tactic for the Cheese Challenge, with one corollary. I’ve met the man from the legend, and I question his mortality. He eats with demigod-like ferociousness and his maw is that of a shark. I will relate one other feat of his, this time a firsthand account. A one on one eat off was set to take place between our hero and a seemingly worthy challenger. Referees would enter the buffet line at the all you can eat dining hall and emerge with two identical plates of food for the eaters. When both plates were clean, the process would repeat itself until one party either submitted or failed to keep food travelling in the downward direction. After the competition was over, and the challenger was retching his troubles out onto the floor, the champion continued to eat, ending his meal as he was wont to do... with a large bowl of ice cream.


Dart said...

Loosing 11 years of expected life span, coupled with the havoc already torched on my body, would send me directly to my death. Hmmm, I may need to re-consider the challenge. The problem would be finding the right fluid to go with all the lactose. There is no way I could do it that fast.

Great post Alex!

cheese said...

as i mentioned to you tonight, this post helped reinvigorate my drive to complete the cheese challenge. i have a good feeling about 2011

fbg said...


I'll do the Cheese Challenge whenever we can stage an event when I'm in town. It sounds pretty easy and I'm surprised you tough guys haven't finished it yet. Or, well, I couldn't do oatmeal cream pies or ho-hos or whatever, either. That's disgusting.

///MM said...

4 pints of ice cream is a lot, plus takes long to eat. Chocolate "milk" made with heavy cream would be ~1000 cal per 8oz cup. Any weight gainer shake can be made to hold ~1200 cal per 16oz serving and those aren't as heavy.

cheese said...

the only thing fbg could cheese challenge with is man-meat.

RM said...

Agreed. Brian can gobble cock like the best of them.

You all think it's so easy, but trust me, if Cheese failed, you will fail. The only one who would be able to do it, of course, would be me, because as Cheese knows, I am superior to him in all things. Except nerdology.

But seriously. Next time Brian's in town, which I'm sure will be just a few weeks from now (haha), we will have one.

But seriously. It's hard.

And more seriously, Barf, it's "losing" not "loosing"

///MM said...

"But seriously. It's hard."

Dart said...

Had to make sure you were payin attention to my first word.

What's the rule on puking during the challenge. I would assume that's an automatic DQ.

I will finish a cheese challenge.

fbg said...

Bounces off me and sticks to you.